重新开始。

发表于2009/10/31由GloriaYuYANG
昨天太兴奋，结果夜里3点才睡着。
今天8点半就醒了，高高兴兴磨蹭到10点半起来，高高兴兴吃早饭12点才出门，刚走到系里就遇见师姐然后又去吃午饭。
只做了一个小时的工作，就与师姐去了城里。
订了非常昂贵的算是26岁的生日礼物，11月10日送到。
去apple center取回了mac pro G4, 大修大换，新电池，新网线插口，新硬盘，焕然一新。
晚上和师姐的妹妹一起吃印度菜。哇，两姐妹的长相，风格完全都不一样。饭后去逛了whitney, 看了O’keefe 的特展，对她的风格又有新的感悟：颜色，质感，真是很绝的女子。
学校今日开始放长周末。

电脑因为换硬盘的缘故，以前所有的资料，网址，程序全部没了。
25岁，重新开始建构自己的记忆，历史和未来。有些不安，可我还是很开心。

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Thursday

发表于2009/10/30由GloriaYuYANG
I am a hero today.
definitely, for the first time I am so proud of myself.
 
this week was the heaviest week since the beginning of this semester:  everynight around 2 or 3 AM i was on the phone with my dad, when i was doing some gradings, the labor which did not require much brain.
finished the proposal on time, finished gradings of the mid-term on time, finished all the readings on time, and for the first time gave right answers in class, and did go to the gym twice in the past week.
by 6pm today, the hero saved her world successfully.
what came after the victory?  back to the apt and just passed out in bed directly…. just too tired to change into pajama….
tomorrow hero got laundry to do, the laptop to pick up, the bussinessman to sign the contract, the paperwork to deal with, the emails to response, the undergrad kids to take care, the lost book to find, the email to write, the proposal to wirte, the check to pick up.
 
tomorrow i am gonna write in chinese! yeah!
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a moving castle

发表于2009/10/28由GloriaYuYANG
recently I have graduately realized how immatrue I have been, and how naive I have been,
especially the two years at pitt; what a naive and errogant kid i was.
 
bit by bit, i become matured and more tolerate, not because i am nice, but because I have been there, and I know their thoughts.
in retrospective, i am so lucky; people bear with me and tolerated my stupidity, prejudice and stupid proudness.
little by little, i am getting old.
 
it’s nice to get matured.
it’s really scary to GET OLD.
 
the skin, the body, the tone, the gesture, the color of the clothes, the style of life.
life is not full of unkonw adventures anymore, life is about routines, habits, and disciplines. sailing is over, live on the shore.
 
last night i watched a japnaese movie "halfway," which was a really cute piece about high school student life.  haven’t seen such a truly cute, not faking moving about youth since Iwai Shunji. 
when my grandma died 12 years ago, part of me died with her forever.  when 2 yrs living alone in my highschool ended, part of me stayed in my high school forever. when that ultimate incident with my bio-mon happened 8 yr ago, part of me traumatized in dark forever. when I left her 4yrs ago, part of me gone forever. 
it is not what we have gained makes us, it is the loss during the whole journey that shaps our present.
today i am a moving castle.  Various parts of the mechanical machine are broken, gone, or missing.  it has been darkened through the passed years, and one can hear the crispy sound when metal frameworks operate, and the sound when breeze blows through the holes on the boy.  but it is still functioning, strugglingly, full of hope.
last night that little cute, refreshing movie suddently opened my small little room on the bell tower, of which I thought I lost my key forever. 
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a survival training

发表于2009/10/28由GloriaYuYANG
I have to survive tonight, facing tons of readings, a proposal, and too many grading books which are all due tomorrow morning….
and I have to get at least 4 hours of sleep to keep me sober during tomorrow’s whole day marathon of classes, from 10:30 to 6:30 pm.
so far, I have three english readings to go, one Japanese reading to go, the bibliography of the proposal, and 10 exam books to grade, and I will try to go to bed before 4AM. tonight is definitely a chocolate-consuming night.
 
I just figured out that there is a long weekend coming: my partner is going to Paris for this long weekend, I would also like just buy a ticket and fly to some places warm enough for swimming.
in my dream.
I am gonna make next year happen, every little bit as I wish and plan.  I am gonna be superwoman.
 
life tasks for OCT now:
1, get a laptop I can type in chinese and Japanese
2, move into a larger room
3, get a piano
 
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My sister’s birthday

发表于2009/10/22由GloriaYuYANG
toothache, seriously in pain. it is the same tooth that always has the problem when in a crucial period.
talked with GP about the final topic, got complete u-turn from what I thought to be an easier job.
nothing is easy, everything is so complicated
today I ate a piece of cheesecake, a cup of ice cream togehter. maybe that’s the reason for my toothache.
itai. today i did not go to the jpnse class for the first time.
 
there is this one book which I really need now but i couldn’t find it anywhere, not on my desk, not on my shelf, not in my closet of books, where in hell has this book gone? did I lend to someone? but it is a reference book, so no one except chinese experts will be interested in…
this kind of trivia thing really drives me crazy.
 
To Yanyan,
happy birthday!  you are getting more stunningly pretty, and smart! so proud of you!
love you!
 
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recent favorites

发表于2009/10/21由GloriaYuYANG
manga: cross game, among tons of manga I have read, Antachi Mitsuru is the only one I really admire. his manga is truly about life, about seishun, the best time of one’s whole life, the dream.  His manga truly makes me still believe in dreaming.
 
drama: my laptop is down so i am not able to catch up the Grey’s anatomy, but I am able to watch the latest Japanese dramas for this fall; so far, "untouchable" probably could make to 5, the "samurai highschool student" out of my expectation could make to either 3 or 11, depending on the writer, the young actor acts good enough to support the plot, "tokyo dogs" so far my favorite: two ike-men, both of whom my type, so quite enjoy.
 
there was this one Japanese drama really makes me hate the Japanese mainstream and their discourse on Manchuria again.  well, so glad that the young generation of Japanese has changed so much and so different from their last generation, which was fooled and sacrificed by their national ideology.  therefore, be careful when talking about some "unchanging thing" such as "spirit" of the people of one modern nation: Japanese are not the same at all with their Heian ancestors, Chinese are also not the same with the "historical Chinese" modern people are so shaped by modern society instead of by the so called historical gene.  however, no matter in any nation, the media, and the mainstream are still using this to manipulate mass….
sometimes i truly think the ancient Chinese intellectuals are so smart, their writings on politics, on history, on human beings are so insightful that if one learns their wisdom by heart, one will be much wise than most modern people.
another group of people I like is the 1920, 30s Japanese intellectuals, their predictions of a tragic future kind of became true though.
 
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Mom’s gonna work!

发表于2009/10/21由GloriaYuYANG
This semester I became a TA, unfortunately, a TA with 60 students, grading their 11 times of drawings, and grading their two exams and giving them TA sessions three times a week.  Although we are super-mom, we earn the same sallary with other TAs who only go to class twice a week and grade two exams of 20 people. 
so as usual, we have plenty stories of stupid undergrad kids, who run around in the kichen messing up with the jam and screaming for another coke.  those spoiled kids.
one sit in the first row next to me every single time, and fell asleep every single time, or checking her iphone in front of everyone.
one told me he was too busy to come to the session.
one did not come to class often so she mistoke one classmate as professor and called him professor in my session, and more stupidly, she wrote my name as Su, tell me how they got in this school?
but there are some cute, hot, lovely, pretty creatures in the class, dressing like fasion models, talking like french ballerias, behaving like fredged birds, that is one of the reason I could still pretend to be an asian doll named su or whatever…
another reason is because the professor is an interesting person, full of humor and he designed the new VMC center for us, so….
but most of the time, receiving tons of undergrads’ junk emails annoys me: sorry, Mom’s gonna work, even we are super-mom, we have our own life to save!  my partner, the sunshine sweetie has felt the burden of being a perfect mom recently, her own life is consumed…
 
life has been extremely busy recently, because I am supposed to come up with two final paper topics and I recently start to do some research.
recently I have become more and more bitchy, sometimes my mean words suprise myself.
 
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saturday nonbbiri

发表于2009/10/18由GloriaYuYANG
i did everything possible to rescue the bad luck event. thanks, Olivia.
and i have a slow-pace saturday.
to my surprise, I woke up at 6 and got up around 7:30, breakfast, reading in the cloudy morning, then back to bed around 11 slep until 2pm, got up, went to the library, browsed over some book, run into CP and his son,
left campus around 5:30 to the Kinokuniya, to buy two rountine fashion-magazines, and bought the grocery back
watch the new seasons of various Japanese fall dramas, having fruits, sweet cookies
oh, i just so love weekend~!
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通往大人之路。

发表于2009/10/17由GloriaYuYANG
经常会看到一些25岁30岁xx岁要牢记的n条准则之类的。条目之琐碎之繁复之无用之细枝末节。
今天的我在别人眼里和平常没什么两样。衬衫，牛仔裤，黑色便鞋，清汤挂面的头发，便利店一样的微笑。如果表里如一，我便不会星期五坐在计算机中心里，在blog 上写中文： 稳准平狠。

在大学或是pitt的时候我时不时仍然会很夸张地摔趴在平地上，磕破额角或是石片划进手掌里。从到纽约起，我再没有那样惨不忍睹的摔跤。我不再一个下午安排n件事，如果GP安排museum visit 2个小时，我一般都会留出4个小时以上。我不再乘坐需要一个小时的subway 换乘 cross town bus，从morningside到upper east side基本是10 dollars一次的cab，这学期一个星期平均三次，为了多出5分钟戴隐形眼镜，多出10分钟浏览一遍笔记，多出15分钟确定我备齐手帕铅笔小笔记本头绳，多出20分钟确定我穿的衬衫领子是立着的扣子是扣好的衣服调子是暗的手腕上带着。我每次都是最早到现场，换好badge，存好大衣背包，喝光我的咖啡，然后稳稳地等人来齐。
今天的burke collection 从下午1点至近4点，专业看画是件非常消耗体力脑力和精力的事情。4点结束，一出门小风凛冽，大家都心照不宣的疲累，各自掏出手机狂按键。GP和别人的tempo有些不同，一时兴起随口问，谁想顺便经过一下附近的yanagi 画廊？想当然的，master students都打了退堂鼓，于是AA, J, 我，和GP一起散步走到yanagi，一路上GP给我们指那些老公寓曾经的主人。
倘若两年前，我肯定会向悠闲的GP告假而飞奔回家去赶晚上8点JFK的飞机。
永远不会有随便经过这种事。我们在GP的"后花园"慢慢的喝茶，逗狗，看新挂出来的一幅幅画，一件件屏风。聊天，专业的，半专业的。
我稳稳当当舒舒服服的坐着。最有价值的经验，东西都是在饭后甜点，profs最放松，计划外的时候获得的。天塌下来那是之后的事情。我在yanagi 画廊喝茶，聊天，然后偶然地看到了我一直想要看到的东西。

这个学期有个新来的master student，中国孩子但是本科是在美国的一个小college念的。看到她我如同看到我大三末。。。。我都懒得去being bitchy about。。。。可不是所有人都如我只暗自叹气的。终于一次这小狂女理直气壮的告诉GP她援引的source是wikipedia! 那一瞬间我们面面相觑，知道这小狂女无知，但不知道居然还是傻的。。。果不其然GP和Marry当场呛笑出声 "oh, my god…well… this is graduate school…" 哇哦。
对于这学期的课程，我的知识储备和同僚（phd）比起来少很多，但我之所以稳稳当当的活下来是因为我的那么一滴水的知识是准确的。不知道是不知道，但是一旦知道就必须精确的了解来龙去脉，使用"伪常识"去"觉得"，只抱半桶水是绝对会成为炮灰的。比如这学期自开始到现在我在宋画课上的历次被围追堵截的惨痛教训。。。。

今天很巧，第一次被孔子教授和GP问写我的中文名字。Marry今天第一次问起我的背景。我想我终于慢慢渡过了试用期，进入平台运行期。其实中午的阳光，不如朝阳蓬勃，没有夕照绚烂。白淡而均匀，是每天的恒例。每周一次日语论文，瑜伽，fencing，TA Gradings, 每两周一次TA Sessions, shopping, bookstore。NYC 是很精彩，但NYC不是你一个人的，你不是在舞台上演戏，而是在生活。

GP说要去yanagi画廊坐坐的时候，我就在心里放弃今晚的行程了。放弃了也没有什么遗憾的。如果做不到完美，至少要学会狠下心来舍弃。舍弃之后要狠下心来不去留恋后悔。其实这次的篓子就是当初没狠下心来做决定而导致的。一味后悔只会给自己添堵。决绝一点对谁都有好处，对自己要再狠一点。

今天被意料外的人说我日语很好。被意料外的人专门询问并认同我的专业意见。还被意料外的人着些笔墨介绍了一下。
于是一天下来我突然明白了一个道理，稳准平狠，人会变得强大。

很遗憾的是，强大并不能使人幸福。
可是不强大就无法生存。

p.s 今天见孔子教授，只得短短7分钟。确定了期末可能的topic。写了繁体的寿字。

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the first time I screwed up important things in the past three weeks

发表于2009/10/16由GloriaYuYANG
I missed the flight tonight to Austin completely, so I spent 350 dollars of air ticket for nothing, and 1 night hotel for nothing, and 75 dollars of registration fee for nothing and I lost some credits to my professional career in the Southwest of US, I guess i won’t get any good review in 5 years there.
That is the first time I screwed up some big event in the past three weeks.
that’s not true.

I have one incomplete from last semester and even now I still has no way to finish the paper.
I haven’t turned in my summer report to the dept even the deadline has passed far ago.
I did not turn in my master paper which is due yesterday and i probably won’t get my master degree until feb. which will certainly make certain faculties unsatisfied about my performance and I have to work really hard to change that bad impression.

Joe has a good comment about the graduate school life: it is made of series of public failures. 

life is hard, isn’t?

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