NANA CAFE

i got a call when i was sleeping around 11 am Saturday, and before I figured out who was that I hang up the phone. 
five minutes later my laptop seriously died forever, the connection to the charge was off forever….. I was totally unprepared and freak out…
but no time for mourning, I had to go to a INAKA place, in the Nara mountains to meet AR.
so after so many hours of transferring trains, and passed a station where there was a shocking high-school boy slaying accident a week ago.  I got the station, where my phone signal went out.  AR was much more genki than he was in NY, seeming sunshine~

so we went to his friend’s house, and the party last from 5pm to now…..
after drunk too much different kinds of alcohol, confused about what emotion I should have, sad or happy.
but anyway, I need to live on, as everyday..

i made my plan last night.  I will be back to Beijing on July 28th, and then head to the NE for about two weeks.  after my ex-best friend excluded me from her wedding, there seems not so much fun outside of my aunt and sister`s domin. I will go back to Shenzhen no later than the mid-Aug.

Today I was really pissed off by an idiot, who kept pissing everyone off through the whole six weeks. after otaku-related, meaningless, weired words, his bad manners, and rude, stupid attitudes…. today in his own presentation he fell asleep again, in front of everyone….. how can a dork who plays around every afternoon and upload tons of anime videos to facebook everynight come to school with empty hands but a mouth complaining too much homework.  How can such a loser, who was absent for several times with the same terrible lie of catching a cold, got into an ivy graduate school…….how can such a NAGIMUSHI conduct research in the middle kingdom japanese history.   for god`s sake, having stayed in japan for two years, his broken japanese as well as poor manner………even in english, this guy speaks as if he is an idiot, and a five-year old freak…..
god i was so pissed off……..

I still cannot access msn, or my blog from my apt, which means, i could only write my blog in english when i am at school, which is the least thing i would like to do. No time, and don’t wanna write in public.  so probably the trip in japan will end up same with last year, namely, no record….

I have one more blog to write about Peking, my Prof. and my best buddies. I only stayed in peking for one week so that’s pretty eventful for one week.

As for Japan, nothing huge happened after the first week, during which I went back and forth between Kyoto and Tokyo for three times by Shinkansen like a crazy jet girl.  I met several interesting figures during the first week, stayed in Regi’s host family’s home for one night, randomly run across a young so-called idol in a mid-night dancing club, who was actually pretty popular among stupid young female masses.  it’s better than going to his concert and he looked so ordinary…… met a person out of my expectation at a conference in tokyo, had a dinner with my adviser and he gave me a tour about the urban transition in Shinjuku.  on the late-night shinkansen back to kyoto, i have to suffer those drunk sallarymen who were still drinking; saiyaku!

nothing has happened after i settled down in kyoto.  i am still an alcoholic and i tried to control it.  my studies still went slowly and made me cranky occasionally.  I kept writing letters to Frank.  my japanese is NOT improving, especially with my pronunciation.  and i haven’t opened the books i brought to kyoto once, or worn the dress i brought to kyoto.  how can i become a retarded in packing luggage!  i haven’t seen much about kyoto, because of the heaving homework and also my personal issues. 

recently one trivia thing is kind of bothering me.  my mid-school best friend, apparently only i considered her as my mid-school best friend, is getting married while trying every effort to keep me out of her wedding. i was so so confused.
but i am not going to ask her.  things do happen, and i do lose friends.

年纪大了，出门旅行第一重要的不再是风景游记，而是药品。
年纪大了，所以对地气格外敏感，水土人情一点不适应就心里不舒服，无端端生出怕来。回到北京，见到老朋友整个骨架才敢散下来，那一年的劳累爬上肩膀委屈卸下心头。

我从小性子就急躁，而骨子里又刁钻。十几年下来看似云淡风轻的性格一半是因为我根本不在乎，另一半纯粹是克制到吐血。
所以十几年下来知我底细能忍我而又镇的住我胡搅蛮缠的，不出三四个人。而这三四人又都很疼我，我何德何能。以前日本课老师问过一句话，什么是女らしい的女子，我当时憋在心里的回答：对男子温柔，那是本能。。。而对女子温柔的女子，那才是真女子。

一周吃喝玩乐，休养生息。
夜晚的三里屯街道上各色女人，妆容浓淡相宜衣着错综大胆。我只是低头浅笑，任一个都比不上我身边粉黛未施的佳人一眸一笑，所谓天生丽质。晚风里裹着湿发的清香，有如初剥开的青木瓜。
来来往往北京也算多年，却是第一次在夜晚的后海划船，黑黝黝的水面伴着低低的风，倘若三年前我一定会纵身一跃游个畅快。
わざわざ深夜二点从天桥下来接我，和15年前一样窝在被窝里忍着困意聊到精神。从襁褓一起长大，到今天此女子一颦一笑依然是我的定心丸，有她在身边我便垂眉而安心做饕餮。

一周大多半时间借住在城东的女友家里。倒时差早上六点看清晨醒来的都市，回头是窗帘里平和的睡颜。
相识有10年，相知有8年。其间吵架怄气误会无数，十件里有九件是我胡乱发飚。以前爸爸一句点醒我，能真心忍我到如此地步确是不容易。今次我依然是不依不饶碎碎唠叨，直到换来一句说我还是和以前一样的急性子，反而心下突然安稳下来。仿佛我从来没离开北京，从来没离开她们身边。倘若每年都能有那么一天躺在按摩椅子上，互相取笑身体僵硬或皮厚而不知膝盖辣气，或是取干洗衣服的路上遇到因夏天来临而高兴狂奔的卖香瓜的马车，那人生便算幸运。

再有个几年，佳人一一嫁人的时候，我便寂寞了。

有两个女子没见到。一个在法国，而池刚回来我便离开。

I am in Japan now, and my computer cannot log in the MSN, which means I CANNOT write blogs and will not able to write for quite a long time.
i am ok, i mean, not fantastic, having lots of trouble in life, study and many other aspects.
but we will see.

还有多少东西没收拾，多少事情没弄，我想都不敢想。。。。
上午看医生，居然是花粉过敏症，搞的我如此狼狈。。。
还有13个小时。

依然不能，也不想相信，自己还有两天就回家了。好多事情没弄呢。
昨天和台湾师姐逛union square，夏天傍晚的味道吸的满满的。
今天约了John,两个人一路穿过morningside park去harlem，一路把一个月来做presentation累积的怨气吐了个干净。纽约在阴天里也算绿色可人了些。
自己是越来越不愿意完成那篇论文了。。。。。。
回来看了国内和日本新闻。真是奇了，都是做国际航班回家的孩子，这怎么检查出来的，又怎么一到家就发病。。。希望自己别那么倒霉赶上隔离，在北京呆七天，刚放出来就搭下一班飞机离开，然后去据说开始大规模流行的大阪府。真服自己，哪热闹往哪里凑。祈祷祈祷，我还要回来看牙呢。。
突然发现，回北京没有住处啦。。。还有，手里一分人民币也没有。恩。是个问题。

突然发现，初中时的同桌居然成了话剧演员，虽然当初就知道此人是个美男子的。。。还是觉得时事难料。
两年前见过一面的颀长优雅美丽的MC今年刚刚调到我们系。又，那天在导师门口见到一面熟绅士，仔细搜索大脑发现pitt曾邀请他来系内讲座，而今年他也刚调来我们系，和我导师作邻居。也许是我和貌美优雅的gay有缘分，也许是这里招人长相优先。

将公寓租出去了，帮朋友来看的理科生把我的公寓照片做成个网站，没想到那洞穴在照片上还挺像样。。。爸爸，你去看看吧。。。http://hcoop.net/~rkd/hidden/507w113-82a/
虽然觉得回国的时间早了，还有很多麻烦的事情没办完。但是说到回国，还是挺兴奋的。

前年Chrysler出新款车，pitt满城中高产阶级争相购买，大街小巷泊满了各种颜色的前后都好像被钢板夹了一下的敦实方块。我还做白日梦说第三年在pitt我也弄一辆这个，唬的爸爸从技术和审美给我一通教育。
今年以后那新车恐怕就成纪念款了。我呢则这辈子可能都学不会开车了。

星期二早上我坐在MoMA的Auditorium，昏黑一片中浑身冰凉额头冒冷汗呼吸接不上，第一次有了完了这人生真要过不去这坎的实感，突然身边一动，抬头看见池悄声在身边坐下。我慢慢地吐出一口气，开始呼吸。于是这本来是我人生中最糟糕的一天，落在记忆里成了池和我纽约探险的一个小节。回家踢掉高跟鞋，扔掉西装裙立领衬衫，脚翘到桌上眼睛一闭，催眠自己只记得和池坐在喷水池旁晃着脚谈笑聊天的日落时光。

初一下学期伊始，奶奶去世，爸爸去深圳工作，然后我转学到私人寄宿学校。住在这辈子没再住过的宽敞明亮的宿舍。
开学第一个月，听并不熟悉的室友互相聊天，说人啊人前人后是不一样的。我当时心里犯嘀咕，难道不应该表里如一嘛。
在那里上学三年，我常常哭。无论是看了电影，或是被当时室友集体欺负夜里骂出寝室，或是心里压力大的时候，我就很不争气的哭。不敢出声的时候就一个劲的抹眼泪，可以出声的时候就惊天动地。
因为我有一颗玻璃心。

高中的时候看亦舒的小说，学会了一句话。倘若你笑全世界陪着你笑，要哭一定躲起来一个人哭。

于是我便一路这样哭过来，人前笑过来的。人们以为我很强，不过是钢板作成的骨架。我太清楚了，人是不能示弱的。示弱了世界便结束。即使在Frank面前我也不曾哭过。顶多是红着眼圈说I just cried。Frank也不在我面前哭。至多我们喝咖啡聊天的时候有泪光慢慢的浮上再褪下，然后两人都当作没看见。

我在忙日本visa的事情，焦头烂额，一遍又一遍。然后今天收到日本那边的邮件，说文件邮出去了。我写下thanks, it meant a lot to me.
台湾师姐请我喝珍珠奶茶。说我很努力。其实傻子都能看出来我哭以及熬夜的痕迹。
下午天气炎热，阳光好的不像话。undergrads都跑到草坪下猛晒。我和zack从图书馆跑到外面闲聊互相的压力。
在这最崩溃的期间，嘉跑过来和我一起吃Brunch，Jessica 请我吃越南菜，Hao给我的电话，叶叶的message，还有缠着chi唠唠叨叨。我的所有朋友，所有这一切， really meant a lot to me。

最近的口头禅是i don’t care。我的partner是猪脑袋，搞的我MoMA的presentation一塌糊涂，i don’t care。
一周前换topic，20页的paper三天之内写出来加图片present，i don’t care。
在崩溃之中我一直想着，如果以后有我的朋友像这样崩溃，我一定会不遗余力地帮他们，因为不是每个人这样强悍的。
我的脆弱，随着年龄的增长，越来越严重，然而我越来越会掩饰。我越来越像我的爸爸，心里愁绪万千而表面云淡风轻，说些不着边际的话。
所以我无法原谅那些在我最脆弱的时候还折腾，利用完把我往边上一扔的人。我爸都不舍得这样对我，Frank也不舍得。我这辈子永不原谅。

长路漫漫。新的一年，没有Frank而这一切都要变本加厉重来一遍。
租公寓，租不出去，发愁。