NANA CAFE

do i have to remember every single japanese name that pops up in front of me? i guess so.
i was asked by the host of tomorrow’s dinner to bring some food for dinner. wtf? i don’t even know the difference between a zucchini and a cucumber? i am also freaking out for that dinner, what do i dress when you cannot dress casual, or formal? and what did i speak, in what language about what? god i just hate socializing with people.
why did they mis-deliver my Amazon book?
and why, my supposed-to-be best friend, just took off to LA without even bother to telling me at all?
oh, yes i am so unhappy about those papers written by those ivy-league kids.  for god’s sake you are american, english is your mother tongue, so why you came up with shitty ideas, grammar mistakes and non-sense sentences like "a representation of combination of art and religion in Buddhism." how did you know that!!!  god, write like an English native speaker and a rational creature.
and why, have i to do that stupid "rakugo" performance? i don’t find those clips funny at all.
the recent movies, are boring. especially the "do you know the morgans" god that’s so bad.
i am tired of reading those articles reviewing the tokugawa thoughts, economy, sound like authoritative, authentic, but you are just tedious, sorry my honey, just shut up.

刚回到家，吃饱喝足打开电脑，两条一句话标题一句正文没有的emails 飘了过来。
一看就疯了。疯癫中看到london姑娘blog entry的标题，鉴于我从来不在blog上骂中文，觉得那两个字的标题太切我心。

批改小孩子的60份papers。
第一轮，拿起来浏览了30分钟后扔回桌子上，写的什么东西！！！
第二轮，mediocre, non-sense talking, do not use words you don’t know, or copied from some big name’s book, do not give fancy but empty description, what is your point, 这是我写的评语。
第三轮，good job, but you might want to pay attention to certain aspects, such as …etc.etc…. 这是我用橡皮擦过后的评语。

在没看到电影的时候我一直有些焦虑：我很怕池在IMAX 3D屏幕前哇哇大叫。好在她在放trailer时大叫出声后一直捂住嘴巴。
Alice in Wonderland是部像海底花园一样无比美妙的电影。向Tim Burton的想像力致敬。
影片快要结束的时候Alice回忆起原来小的时候就曾坐在小丑身边喝过茶，就在红皇后面前画过红玫瑰，she is the Alice。一下子眼泪就漫上来。
小的时候都是Alice，we see this world differently. 然后慢慢长高不能再fit into wonderland。必须从树洞里钻出去，在社会安身立命寻一避风棚。然而最难过的是，我们渐渐学会忘记，回树洞的路也埋没在时间之中。

电影出来，空气凉爽，两人一路high到日本餐馆饱餐一顿，吃饱了撑着在雨里走到fancy的童话馆又灌了一肚子冰淇淋，回到现实。

Gradings & MET
Edo History Readings, tons of them.
H’s Paper
Another H’s Paper
Ph.D Report
Japanese Homework
German Homework

do laundry
Alice in the wonderland
Score Practice
One Amazon & One Dress TH
Spring studio

表弟来纽约面试，暂住了几夜客厅。其性格乖巧温和，为人伶俐头脑也快英语里没有亚洲口音，将来也必是靠谱经济支柱的一员。
第一天陪其选了西装，其后几天晚上也好好在外面吃了晚饭，算是尽地主之谊。
一席饭间闲聊说某perfect/ideal 大学生恋爱故事最后劳燕分飞，我没掩饰住那扑哧一笑，纯粹是因为笑料来的突然。
人们要指望校园爱情什么，并要指望到什么时候呢？ok, 19岁到22岁时两情相悦甜甜蜜蜜毕业双双把婚结，然后白手创事业生两个小孩天天和公公婆婆大姑大妈互相让梨争建五好家庭，三十岁时环顾身边上有老下有小每天讨论老大上中学老二念双语小学，然后你就觉得日子过到小孩上大学你们老两口就甜蜜奔夕阳了。
把这想法写下来就知道有多不切实际多好笑多做梦了。我敢打赌，这样的三十岁做梦都是having another life或是having an affair。No wonder the affairs and mid-age crisis are everywhere in the contemporary chinese/american society.
其实这些想法都是陈仓老调，18岁的我在装小大人时经常滔滔不绝的。
结果表弟说，oh, you are so westernized。
结果就是这个词set off the whole thing。 没有一个美国人／欧洲人说我westernized，当然他们也无视我经常开玩笑口胡自己traditional，我是我，无论尖酸刻薄或是微笑沉默，i am a specific person。
还有更深一层原因是，何谓westernized? 何谓traditional? 现在的中国人每当什么和自己想的不一样的时候，就把所谓传统拿出来说事，却忘了历代对传统的再建构再创造，比如现在人所认为理所应当的传统和30年代人们的传统完全不是一回事。而所谓结婚就是人生的终点目标／就是幸福这样的想法，不过是上一代人的衣钵。其实很多现在的小孩子在独立思考之前，不过是过了他们父母想过的人生。除了金钱以外，这是另一个成为父母傀儡的例子。
如果用眼睛观察，用脑子思考，得出幸福的渠道是婚姻并对各种婚姻事实有认识了解之后选择结婚那完全没有问题，可如果你只是直觉喊出，你总得有个人／女人总要结婚／有家庭才算完整人生，之类的话语。无论你念过几年书，你的人生就是失败的：how can you not question the information/concepts that came to you, no matter how much they are coated with tradition/nature.btc? Without the ability of Self-Reflection and Critique, you are just someone else’ AVATAR.
我没有把这段话和表弟说。对年轻人来说，忍受一个老女人的疯魔言语连续三天已经too intense。他性情温和又nice，总要想些话来回应我，我还没缺德到ruin his spring-break weekend. 对这样年轻，前途大好的年轻人来说，我衷心期待他们那蔷薇色的希望再盛开一些吧。说到底，事情想明白了不见得就有解决办法，往往都殊途同归。

从血缘上讲，我是没有表弟的，但我对人的远近关系也从来不建立在血缘关系上。
风趣，nice 又聪明的表弟在纽约逗留三天，面试的结果很不错。果然是未来人材。

我想知道，越南的流行音乐是什么样子的。
I just so hate the Weekly Posting, hate it so much.
why academic books are so expensive? who will buy those hard-cover, each above 60 dollars, copper paper versions except rich collectors, curators and patrons? what about poor, unemployed grad. students?
how many books should i read before i come up a paper, how many languages should i learn before i open my mouth to state my thoughts, how many presentations should i give before i trust my ability, how many shrinks should i see before i literally jump off the shore, how many preparations should i make before i seize one opportunity, how many people should i hurt before i learn to love myself.

第一次进西服卖场，两分钟后我发现这是个技术活：所有的男士西装看起来都千篇一律，然而细微的差距就能使效果天差地别。于是我东摸摸，西问问，向着我最喜欢的RL频频行注目礼，垂涎那件冬日呢大衣。我最近审美观念变了，觉得男人就应该像Agent Booth那样，西装肌肉都拿的出手。
试西服则是个体力活。一寸袖子，一寸腰身，一寸裤脚。原来电视里明星身上的合身西服，真的是和他们的脸一样是服装师精心打造出来的。
回来看到RalphLauren都已经出2010 Fall了。。。我讨厌fashion industry的一个原因就是他们令我神经紧张：我春季还没过夏季还没计划呢。。。不过他们的秋季女装真实用好看: 棕色系，碎花长裙，长毛衣，灯心绒，呢裤子，穿好看了特像家门口空降明星，穿不好就整个一大妈。还有永恒经典的黑色，镂空的镂花的呢的条纹的。。。好看。

从今天起，振作起来，按时作息，做无知而身心健康的人。
或是从今天起，废寝忘食大量读书，做病态却博学的人。
2010年开始到现在，知识荒废的厉害，整整两个月没怎么认真读书写字，我是不是疯了。
从今天起，面朝书海，勤勉为舟。

我非常，非常想念嘉。
一起度过的纽约时光，都是我的真性情。