When Rationality is A Delusion

Bipolar Disorder于我尤其折磨。倘若fever体感发烫,cold流鼻涕,手术伤口麻药过后有火灼一样的疼痛。
你的身体,或是你的大脑,永远知道身体不对劲。但当bipolar disorder发作时,人类会在以为自己是最common sense最rational最objective判断下做出最不可思议疯狂的事情,事后会觉得自己当时怎么会人格突变。也就是说,我最以为自豪的大脑像神明一样,而我是人类,绝无还手之力。
All symptoms fit.  series of depression, crying without reason or stop, emotional swings, impulsive behaviors, etc. And in my case, my Bipolar Disorder is genetic。难道不觉得那发作症状描述非常像某人嘛!!!所谓学习压力只是个trigger。

3年前我问老师,如果大脑构成的细胞都一样,那么想法如何不一样?老师回答尽人事而已。3年后科学加理性完美地解释我的疑惑,验证了家族病史,却丝毫没有减轻我的痛苦和疑问,如果大脑构成细胞都一样,那么生活轨迹如何不一样。  人越长大压力只会更多更大,那我岂不是步步地雷阵。
My doctor insisted on putting me on meds, as well as resuming my sessions with the psychiatric.
倘若我on meds因而每天心情愉悦。那是说明我以前的冷嘲热讽和冷漠是症状,还是我的友善愉悦是药物副作用,哪个是真正的我。
My doctor said through treatment, things will be under control and maybe one day it will just cure, if no environmental stress that trigger.  yeah, I added, just like the lame previous case i witnessed. 
当年还是幼稚了啊,以为艺术史是个浪漫的专业。然后发现这是个建筑在理性上的,手术刀一样的职业。Bipolar Disorder 听在我耳朵里有如先天性理性缺陷。your brain is delusional.

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About GloriaYuYANG

art historian, writer, a dog person, NYC-resident (not new yorker), a ph.d student of Japanese art and architecture,
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2 Responses to When Rationality is A Delusion

  1. 孙春芳说道:

    转行当精神分析师啦?

  2. XIAONING说道:

    她是被分析了吧?!

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